godluvsugly

02:08 am: first draft...

of late i hav be having sudden phrases come into my head and other words all pile in my head in bursts at a time...

leaving me with the result of writings crafted in 5 to 10 mins with some fulfillment and little closure .......but confronted feelings/topics are a plus although exeradated at times

this is the first draft i will revise n most likely post in my other blogs

it needs a better ending BUT
i believe i am coming along





maybe i should admit
after pherphaps too much time
that this has been hard getting over
that in your mind i was just second best

its something i just cant get past
and wish i could see and understand

but your lips dont move much in explaining ways
at times, dodging why's and what's
at others you just sigh and shrug it off
your subject changes dont give much rest to my exhausted
consicous and stabbed ego
unfinised conversations
that i turn to myself to try and finish
i look around and see nothing
only thing that is apparent in front of me
crushes my thought self worth
and sinking guts
make me embrassed and sickened coated with no understanding
i see no either side of beauty
not through lusts hazy eyes or inner beauty gaze
there is nothing

ugly is a word that could be applied a handful of different times
and still having flaws leftover by which unknowing eyes can still spot
un-assisted by knowledge precribed lenses

i just want to be shown
resolved in the truth to know

whys just lead to anger

i stood in a shadow, as the number you labeled me in the shadow of someone who held her place too long, in a shadow i dont belong, and in a shadow of something so less

...
to be finished

09:49 pm: i miss 2003 before i got fat before i fucked everything up before i became secluded

reading all these lj's just got me sad... times w/ matt and how horribly shitty i was to him n strung him along for like 2yrs, bad times w/ eric and jose, when i was close w/ soo many more people like mike and more close w/ adrick and kelly and tressa, when i was a constant party and always went out n had fun n always met new people and caught up w/ old, fucking first meeting berto and how much fun we used to hav together until everything went gayyyyyyyyyy.....


i am uncomfortable in life and i wish i could just hit rewind or fast forward


and i cant find the rest of my writings esp one i wrote about jose that i fucking loved its gone :( i went on a mass deleting binge then n i guess i got rid of it

09:45 pm: skimmed through old lj's era 2003 find the "jose and eric chronicles"
wow i really hated reading all this shit.... and then reading all the posts from when frank died :(


posting the writings: in the cut

( Read more... )

10:19 pm: fast shitty writing, but i am excited that i am finally writing again
twenty miles
twenty thousand miles
nothing to short
my life is too far
torn apart from daggering question marks
but no matter how many pieces i crumble to
its all pointing to you
i could tell you the most loving words
but they all still wouldnt add up
their too short
too simple
it could take a lifetime to say how i feel

a lifetime starting now
let me begin telling you now
let me begin the sentence now
will you remain by myside till i'm finished

a lifetime is needed to tell you i love you

10:29 pm: a test of will:



its hard when u find mystery appealing/attractive in the person u love

mystery can equal so many things

n secerts can be one of them

holding back information n not opening up as well





its like taking a fucking bullet sometimes...


this hurts n just brings up past shit ... way too much past shit i dont even know y i am crying ...

what else do i not know

shock is losing its value

12:30 am: this is poetry w/ in itself

I WISH I NEVER MET U

if i could take back such unhappy inccidents

i would hav ensured that i never knew such pain
but i rolled snake eyes on this chance


no lil smile from love that i might hav had from u
was worth this heartache


do me one last favor
build me a time machine
so i can permanetly erase u

turn ur back n just go
never breathe my name again across ur tainted lips
live miserable
so i know i was right

fuck off
ur not worth the fight






and with every tear collected on this soggy tissue
i am reminded that this ^ is all a lie
maybe my stream stained cheeks will convience me of something else one day








































fuck life

04:15 pm: i am so sick of shit
i am so sick of EVERYTHING

i am so sick of waiting
waiting for u
waiting for everything to finally work out
waiting for me to be finally happy
waiting for u to step up

i am so sick of saying i give up

i am so sick of not giving up n holding on

i am so sick of trying to be everything to u
n u taking everything from me

i am so sick of trying to get anything from u
n u not giving anything in return

i am so sick of not being enough
of never being ur number one

i am so sick of u being enough
of being ur number two

i am so sick of trying to make something
out of nothing
n u not knowing what u want to do w/ that

i am so sick of trying to be strong
when all u do is make me weak

i am so sick of knowing what i found
n u not knowing what u might miss

i am so sick of crying
for something that dosent validate my tears

i am so sick of not seeing an end
will a lil bit of happiness in it

i am so sick of not hearing ur everything i want
cuz ur all that i need

i am so sick of sewing up my wounds here by myself
being a good girl waiting quietly cuz i believe in the end it will all pay off
while u tear open the stitches n pour salt on my wounds

i am so sick of the scar tissue that u hav put on my heart
with each time i say it will be the last

i am so sick of not having the back bone to stand up
n say goodbye, becuz u are my cause to be a martyr n stand by ur side

i am so sick of no coclusions
n this endless roller coaster ride

i am so sick of ignoring the obivous
that i make u sick
n that this "love" is making me sick

11:23 pm: i hav alot on my mind n i need to voice it somehow, but i dont really wanna tell anyone cuz i dont want reactions.... i dont want to discuss i just want to get it off my chest... so this is why i am posting it in here... no body reads it lol


i decieded this last week that i am still planning on moving back home ( to the 716) in the near future however it will be pushed back a lil further due to me taking this new job.... but i need this i need to just move away n focus on myself, but i hav roots there all my family n such soo i wont be lost. i know that it will be questioned if i am doing this becuz of him, i cant not answer no n be a 100% truthfull but its not entirely due to him, i am not even telling him cuz i dont want that drama n false hopes, like i said this is for me...i need to get away n get my schooling done soo i can be where i wanna be in this life n i really dont think i will be able to do it here.so to clarify: when me moving was first discussed it was about n mainly for him but now it got stuck in my head n now its just mainly a case of quinadince(i cant spell)it happens to be where i grew up n all my family is, i kinda love the idea of graduating from the same college my mom did. .... so there i its final i hav made the descion to say goodbye. when i start this new job i am gonna work my ass of for promotions n acknowledgement in my position becuz i wanna prove myself n be able to move in this company, thus being able to re-locate easier n faster..... i am really proud that i hav made this choice to take steps to go on to the next phase in my life n actually get to where i wanna be.... i am sick of being stuck n i hope in time this choice will be respected n not questioned.


now on to him..... i hav never been soo lost n confused. never knew hate n love could run so closely together. never felt soo much like i hav gone back on my word. never felt soo hopeless n desperate enough to hang onto every word. how do i find out if he feels the same?? how do u try to convience someone to take the chance again?? how do u make someone believe in time n suddenly grow patient?? better yet how do i even convience myself of all this?? is it what is right?? what r our roles?? when will i find out what i want w/ us??? when my hurt go away n everything will work out into what it is supposed to be??. i wish i could freeze time ... i swear. my gut knows it will never work out.... but i am soo passionate about him n this is hurts.... if only ...if only. arghhhh. but u know what i do feel like i am running onto something thats not even going on yet n just jumping to conclusions n situations but i still love him n it burns not to have what u want most u know....
...but my new focus is going beautiful.... n i think its an important base for anything that may come out of this no matter relationship or not i know we will still remain some where in eachothers life.... anyways we talk alot more now n actually just talk.... it means more to me than fucking all of our lil "i miss you" convo's ...we talk better now then ever before n it means the world to me.... n to me it may just show something








i need answers for questions i wont ask....

01:54 pm: i already posted this just want it in this journal cuz its my fav <3
i grew up around big tree s w/ strong roots
long branches reaching out like arms
w/ leaves that at times could give color changing optic delights

summers always leaving your skin wet
and tanned backs from the suns lashings
freckles marked our cheeks along w/ the popiscle stained lips
and kool aide smiles

winter moved the curtain to set the stage for the ever long cycle
of gloomy day and nights
this is what i remember the most
this is what home and youth is to my grey shadless heart

i grew up in what is the mold of typical; typical america
where the outside is perfect but inside is dark and full of ghosts
my interworkings of youth years mal-fuctioned all too quick, no repairs
i had been born w/ no warranty on this life
no guarentees
so lil girl dreams were awakened into this reality.
parts of women hood found w/ little hands
that still held barbie dolls
my image of ken, dad, husband, boyfriend, grandpa, sir, mister, -MAN
already shattered and taught to relate such relationships and words to fear
and hate before i was able to fully write out my complete name
being so young never knowing you were so rich of so many things that could be robbed
your ghosts being pushed back only to scare you more when you are old
these are my inner demons my inner fights my bones that are skeletons in my closet
pictures of adolescent years; i stick out, i didnt quite fit in i lacked that innocence
i had already learned human nature's: ugliness, greed, desperation, and lows
so why be in school when u already knew the world?
i looked seven my soul was already aged twice more
i smiled to many fake smiles so now i cry the real tears that hid behind them
its funny when most were building w/ blocks
i was already building these walls w/ in myself
i started hiding before i first learned how to ride a bike
complicated already
no training wheels?
no true feelings to show as well? put up that front

grown up now i live around slim trees that are tall in shallow ground
trees that are palmed not branching out
easily put and easily maintained

my summers last forever
sunny skys always
the perfect sunset to end everyday
long lasting days w/ short nights

same as my happiness and childhood its all plastic in the place i dwell
and i still am just like home and forever will be like my youths long winter gloom

08:06 pm: good quote

"insanely genius

geniusly insane"

since this is my artistic journal i recently took some pictures of my lattest painting project, i am gonna host them this week n post them up ...